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Thursday, October 16, 2008

Sometimes...

When it's quiet at night and Jason is at work, and Matthias and the dogs are sleeping and i'm wide awake all alone... I suddenly realize I feel like a different person. Like I'm not myself. i struggle to find my identity as I sit on my couch. I glance up at the pictures of my grandparents. My grandpa looking quite strapping in his dress blues. My grandma all dolled up. There's a note on the bottom of the picture to my grandfather. And once again harsh reality sets in. They're gone. And I can't physically talk to them anymore. I feel like an orphan. All of a sudden I'm 4 years old lost in the mall. I'm frozen. I can't move. I'm scared. People are staring at me as if I have a scarlet letter singed on my forehead. I don't know who I am anymore.

I want people to ask me how I'm doing so I an talk it out. At the same time I don't want people to ask me about it b/c I don't want to experience the pain. So I'm secretly mad that people don't know what I want. That i don't know what I want. And then it hits again. Because I don't know who I am anymore. I'm now Veronica. With Dead Parents. And it sucks.

1 comments:

ayamc said...

Whoa.
I hate death. It puts fear in all of us.
This sounds a little different coming from me...but maybe you should go to church! I hear that faith is something of a good thing. Maybe we can go together.