Monday, April 20, 2009

weekend review


Last week seemed so tiresome. it was particularly busy at work so maybe thats why. Thursday night i attended a banquet for an organization we work with. the food was so yummy!! It was recognizing some scholarship recipients. A couple of them were going to Nepal to renovate a maharaja's hunting lodge to form a bed a breakfast to not only provide jobs for that village to bring in tourist revenue but the profits from the B&B would go to the local schools and hospitals. Anther kid was working with a company called nutty solutions. They worked to come up a with a "recipe" that was mixed with peanut butter and powdered milk and other ingredients that would go to help malnourished children in underdeveloped countries. They said the peanut butter really provided a good source of nourishment and was really inexpensive and this food didn't need to be refrigerated. I was really intrigued by this initiative.

Friday i went to an awards banquet for some students I work with. They had some GOOD jalapeno poppers. Sad how the highlight was a deep fried appetizer.
Saturday i went to a cocktail reception for work and then it was DATE NIGHT!!! Jason met me on campus and we went and saw Avenue Q. it was good. Puppets having sex made me laugh SO HARD. Especially when Kate monster gave Princeton a blow job and her head bobbed up and so fast! OMG. Then we attempted to have a late night dinner, but ended up going home and getting what-a-burger.

Sunday we went to pick up Matthias from the sitter. I was informed that a co=worker who has been ill for quite sometime had passed away early Sunday morning. She'd been progressively getting worse and worse and couldn't fight cancer as hard as she wanted to. I had gone to go see her a few weeks ago. We stayed a few minutes as she was barely audible and clearly needed rest. It was real tough to stand there and not cry. My God, she reminds me of my grandma in so many ways. Even the way she grabbed her drinking cup. Her hands, her fingernails.. made me flashback to my grandma lying sick in her bed not so long ago.

You know, some night,s I get really REALLY sad. I mean like REAL sad. I can't sleep and I don't know what to do My anxiety makes a reappearance. I feel so lost. I honestly do at times. Well a lot of the time. I know it hasn't been even a year yet, but I'm afraid to talk about it with people. I feel like at that time I didn't really get to feel anything about it. My mom suffers from depression so everyone was either telling me to be strong for her or for my child. So while I'm being strong for these individuals, when am I suppose to mourn? WHen am I supposed to feel? Matthias was sick at the time as well so that in itself was stressful. Then of course, there was/and still is the drama with the people who used to be my family as I have decided n my heart that they are not family as family doesn't do these things to each other. I have severed all ties with them. Then came the big decision on whether or not to postpone the wedding and we did. But then there was the wedding and wow that was time consuming. I did have to fight emotions with the realization that my grandparents would not be there. It was tough, but I think I hid it pretty well.

So here we are and it's April. And I'm still sad. I really still have to think to myself, "You WILL NOT talk to your grandmother again" I just feel like i haven't talked to her for a while b/c she's been sick and that it'll be ok b/c I'll talk to her soon. But I won't. And every day it's a harsh realization. Silly I'm sure. Silly for me to have to remind myself of that on a daily basis. So again, as I mentioned, it's April. 9 months later. can i cry about this to people? WIll people say, "veronica you should be over this by now." Or would they say, "Veronica, you have a child, you're a grown up. Deal with this. Stop your blubbering." I'm scared. it sucks, b/c I'm alone A LOT. i know most of us don't really go out anymore b/c we're unfortunately getting older and lamer as the years go by. But most of us have someone at home to go to. Yes, I have Jason, but when he works night and he's walking out the door as I arrive it SUCKS. When he's busy every other weekend b/c of his job it SUCKS. So i lie awake in the middle of the night and call until he goes on break and can talk to me and calm me down. But i really don't feel like i can talk about this. And most people don't know what to say anyway b/c really, who so far feels as thought they have list both parents? I hate going to pick up my brother and sit across the street from my grandparents empty house. it KILLS me inside. Most people don't know what that's like either. And is it stupid? For me to be upset about seeing their vacant house??? I don't know. I don't know a lot of things right now. Except for this hole in my heart that is still hurting and hasn't gotten any smaller.

On a lighter but still sad note... John Madden retired from commentating. SAD!! What the hell is football without John Madden???

Oh and Matthias got his hair cut this weekend. And it is WAY shorter than what I wanted. *pouts*


Princess Selina said...

Hey girl! It sounds like you are dealing with alot. I don't think there is anything wrong to miss a person a year later, especially if you were close to them. And you aren't alone. I know this is going to sound stupid, but you can call/email me if you wanna talk about anything (even though we only know each other through the interwebs). I'm a pretty good listener. =) my email is crownprincess at gmail dot com. Even the strongest people need someone to lean on.