Sometimes...

When it's quiet at night and Jason is at work, and Matthias and the dogs are sleeping and i'm wide awake all alone... I suddenly realize I feel like a different person. Like I'm not myself. i struggle to find my identity as I sit on my couch. I glance up at the pictures of my grandparents. My grandpa looking quite strapping in his dress blues. My grandma all dolled up. There's a note on the bottom of the picture to my grandfather. And once again harsh reality sets in. They're gone. And I can't physically talk to them anymore. I feel like an orphan. All of a sudden I'm 4 years old lost in the mall. I'm frozen. I can't move. I'm scared. People are staring at me as if I have a scarlet letter singed on my forehead. I don't know who I am anymore.

I want people to ask me how I'm doing so I an talk it out. At the same time I don't want people to ask me about it b/c I don't want to experience the pain. So I'm secretly mad that people don't know what I want. That i don't know what I want. And then it hits again. Because I don't know who I am anymore. I'm now Veronica. With Dead Parents. And it sucks.

Weekend Part 4

We had just left Cru and were walking over to Six. Melissa and Kim were walking in front of me so I didn't notice at first, but there was a man passed out on the ground with his head hanging off the curb. A lady was standing by him. We asked if she was all right. She said she was and that she didn't know the man. Her husband and she had dug thru his pockets and found out his name and where he worked. They also found what they thought was a work visa and so they didn't want to call the cops to get him arrested or deported. They called his job which was a restaurant up the road and that someone was coming over to get him. She thanked us for asking if things were ok and said that everyone else had either walked by or took pictures of the man passed out. NICE people. This was a situation where it did not look ok. Not some stereotypical scene where a drunken frat guy passes out.

Just then a man walks up and says he'll take care of this guy. he said, "he's had a bad time" then he says softer, "his brother was murdered last night" Wow. Poor guy. I wonder if that happened to me how distraught I would be. My prayers go out to him.